In The Deep Midwinter, With Debbie Rosas.

Magic has always fascinated me. Whether it’s the traditional performance with an illusion of a rabbit emerging from a hat or an elephant seemingly vanishing into thin air. Magic has a way of jolting me out of my usual sense of reality. Not gently, but suddenly, almost violently. Even though I know it’s a trick with a sleight of hand, mirrors, or misdirection, I am captivated.

There’s something in my spirit that delights in my experience of being fooled and in seeing something I know is impossible, and yet experiencing it as if it were real. The thrill of magic lies in this game. I allow it to play with my perception by taking something I think I believe to be real and twisting it, which always leaves me feeling both bewildered and mesmerized.

But a mesmerizing experience offers a different kind of enchantment and it often presents itself somewhat differently. It doesn’t disrupt reality in the same overt way. Instead, it subtly influences my mind by using words, tone, and suggestions to implant ideas into my own subconscious. It is a delicate art which relies upon verbal triggers and hypnotic language.

It also requires my willingness as a participant to release myself into following the verbal commands of the mesmerist. I’ve been that participant by submitting to the suggestions of a hypnotist and performing actions I would never consciously choose to do. It’s a strange mix of fun, embarrassment, and spectacle, especially when it is performed in front of an audience.

Unlike a magician, who captivates my attention with visual illusions that trick my eyes, a mesmerist captures my conscious mind and steers my thoughts with precision and subtlety. Both magicians and mesmerists craft experiences that shift a common reality, while their audiences are stunned. And I have sometimes wondered, am I so different from them?

As I sit in the audience participating and watching these kings of performances unfold, I can’t help but reflect about how my own life perhaps mirrors these actions, in a sense, as I am constantly navigating shifts in reality. Over time, I’ve trained myself to maintain a sense of continuity to preserve a stable reality that feels safe and familiar. Stability, after all, is key.

I rely on my working memory to process information in the moment, such as my daughter’s phone number and my episodic memory to recall past experiences, like where I had dinner last night or the route I take to drive home. This blend of working memory and episodic memory allows me to update my understanding of the world and keep my sense of reality intact.

Maintaining a steady, familiar reality is important for my mental well-being. It provides a grounding reference point that helps me feel “normal.” But there are moments when I crave a jolt that will pull me out of this grounded state. I may seek an abrupt disruption, like watching a horror movie where the boundaries of reality are intentionally blurred.

At other times, I prefer a quieter shift, perhaps with a glass of wine or a long and relaxing bath. It’s this kind of “gentle magic,” that my nervous system loves. Maybe because it feels safe, familiar, rooted in the comforting flow of my episodic memory. These shifts; startling and soothing, are entertaining for the magician and mesmerist within, allowing me to play.

In my own performances in the theater of my life, I believe the world around me is my audience. As an artist, I share a complex relationship with illusion and reality or the ordinary and the extraordinary. Sometimes I feel entirely authentic, fully “real,” while at other times I become a carefully crafted illusion, allowing myself to slip into a favorite archetype.

Perhaps the deeper truth about both surprising and gentle magic is that I am mesmerized by illusion. To think of life as an illusion reminds me that I am the filmmaker of my own reality. I can surprise myself, deceive myself, and create new illusions, so long as I remain aware that they are just that: illusions. Especially in this season, this is the power of all gentle magic.

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